With a smile on my face…

Posted: January 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

Been a while again. But, you know, we all are busy from time to time. Even though I can’t say I have been busy, more like dealing with my own problems and stuff. Got most of it done before the New Year, so I am really with a smile on my face now 🙂 Only few more least imortant problems are left to deal with, and some of them are solving themslves already, so just one more thing is really left to deal with and then I will be able to finally resume on enjoying myself and my life. Bad thing is that I might have no one special around to share that happiness with, but hope that lives in me all the time is telling me not to give up, so it is another reason to smile 🙂

Expressions of happiness like: smile, laughter, dancing etc – perhaps the best cure for body and soul. It is happiness that can turn anyone into a whole new/different person, you just catch the wave of happiness and ride on it for quite some time without falling off from it… ride like that gives a charge to the body, mind and soul. The longer is that ride, the bigger is charge; the bigger is charge, the bigger will grow motivation for changing things in your own life.

Where is this happiness that can do that? For that we all need to seek the answer withing ourselves. We all have our own things that make us happy, sometimes so happy that it makes you dance like a fool even without any music (that one is an example I am having from my own experience). So, to reach that kind of happiness we just need to do all the things that make us happy.

Easiest way to catch that “wave of happiness” is just to be happy about your own life and other people (their achievements, lives etc). You see, happiness has this weird characteristic to attract een more happiness and good luck so it is totally worth to try. My own life is a perfect example of disaster, sadness and happiness. Last year was not the best year for me, I might even say, it was the worst one I ever had – it started as crap and it was a complete crap up till the November. This year, on the other hand, has started awesome, and I know it will continue to be awesome and, this time, I will make sure of it to be the most awesome one! Well… that sounds more like a promise to myself and, to be honest, I accept it as one.

It is not like I have been totally alright during these days, but I just have more reasons to be happy than I could wish for! Smile on my face is every day, and I have accepted it as part of my daily life. Yeah, it sometimes makes me look like a fool, but a happy fool though… 😀

Reason for my happines is simple – every awesome person I meet doubles my current level of “happy”. People come and go, the ones willing to stay are always welcome for that and no one is ever being held in my life against her/his own will. As for me – I will alway be the good old Smiling Edy 😀

There is one thing that can make my smiley face fade away for a bit – it is so called “friendzone”. Yeah, most of people know what it is, but not everyone can understand it and not everyone has felt the weird angry sad feeling of it. I got 4 friendzones in one year and I am still alive an smiling along with a foolish hope that next time it won’t happen again. Interesting thing is how this hope hasn’t been dead for a single time. Lately, when I meet someone realyl interesting, all the suden my mind becoes like a dump for all those thoughts of previous “friendzones” etc…

SO the best I can do is to keep the smile on my face, keep hoping and just wait… which is good enough… I guess… wait and hope for what? No idea yet, but I will catch it 😀

No song this time, just don’t feel like going through all the truble by just trying to add it to this post since I am on Android’s tablet now 😀



Up again from a scratch

Posted: October 18, 2013 in Uncategorized

Even I myself did not expect this to happen… but here it is – another post is coming up.

This one has something more to do with the positive emotion storm that’s just going totally nuts in me 😀

So more or less I am just writing this to calm my “crap” down 😀

But it is true, it’s like everyone says “after something bad, a good thing will happen…”. Then I need to ask – what have I gone through so bad to get all the good things I am getting now? Or it might be just my point of view in life, who knows.


Hah! How it is to feel alive? It is to feel the way I feel!

We are just living through our lives… day by day. Almost every day of work seems the same, the same routine from week to week. The only escape from it is WEEKENDS. So it is no secret everyone loves having a good time in whatever way they can – ones are partying every weekend or having a beer with their friends at one of their places or whatever, the others are going for a trip or camping with friends – having a joint or two at a campfire, playing some guitar, singing an awesome song or two or making some of their own right there on the spot, doesn’t matter… Today I caught myself enjoying a time alone once in a while, like right now. I am just sitting here, having a sip of wine, listening to the music, dancing like a fool to the favorite beats, thinking of rolling one (but then remembering the stuff I have is not good for me at the given moment 😀 ), and actually setting all the things in my mind right once again. Without caring about what anyone else think I look like – dressed in home gear: shorts, T-shirt, barefoot, glass of wine in a hand, face looks like haven’t seen shaving for ages…. but who cares if there is no one who can see me like this 😀  I haven’t felt this kind of energy for way too long time… I think I had forgot how it is to have a time like this for last two years. Perhaps that is why I was able to turn into pain in the ass from time to time – just because I didn’t have this time alone once in a while to set my thoughts right. But I would never know how great it actually feels if I wouldn’t have lost the taste of it 😀 So I guess it wasn’t that bad after all, so that is another lesson in my account from all what I experienced before. Meh… Crazy things happen and world would be nothing without them, right? 😀

What are the things in my mind that had to be set right? Nothing much really… just the mess I made in my own head looking for some wisdom for every hard situation I got myself in over the past 2 years. All the drawers of my cabinet were just nearly destroyed, all the wisdom they had in there was all over the floor. Along with them also the drawers with motivational thoughts, emotions… everything was really scattered all over the place. I managed to put part of it back together at the beginning of the summer, or mid spring just to not lose my mind in all that mess. Nov I can proudly announce to myself that the job has been finished, and I have done it by tonight (which was not expected to happen). So I am ready to move on in my life with a wide smile on my face and reaching for the top again.

So, why there is so much of different kind of positive emotions inside me right now. Yeah, that has something to do with the feeling that there is some sort of gigantic happiness coming towards me with an invisible sign “HAPPINES” on it 😀 How it looks like? How the hell I know… I know it is coming and I will see how it looks like sooner or later, so I will just not get overexcited about that. But I sure do have all rights to feel happy about this world now 😀


So I have been rebuilding myself for quite some time now – few weeks ago I started to do it physically, but mentally I was doing it for almost a year already… it has given to me even stronger belief in myself. Whoever will tell me that it is not in one’s power to change oneself… I will have an objection on that. Only those who have never tried it themselves or those who have and have failed in it miserably or just given up – only those can say that, others just have to do it. Because there is no “try” really… there is just “do” or “don’t” and the rest is up to oneself. My way of doing that was a hard one – with a massive “kick in the balls”. It hurt me like a mot**rf***er, but I somehow dealt with the consequences, and got up from that kick after a while. But I am sure there is easier way to do it than almost destroying oneself’s love life, social life and common sense. But yeah, crap happens to all of us, that’s for sure.


Now there is a funny thing that only I myself care about 😀 It’s that I haven’t felt a woman’s touch for quite some time. Not that I wouldn’t want it, but I put myself on a leash for a time, and some herbs helped to kill the monstrous willing for that. So the break has been long enough and it is time to end it, but I wouldn’t want to totally get loose and rip off the chain like a mad beast 😀 So I will have to keep in mind that I am not an animal… But natural needs are natural needs 😀 And who else will care about it more than oneself? 😀


Yeah, now when these thoughts are left here, my head already feels thankful for this.


Some cool song at the end too, and somehow they always have something to do with state of mind and state of feelings:


Sweet Harmony

Posted: October 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

Yeah… I was terrible with my OWN promise to MYSELF! Just terrible…

Anyways, I am finally posting something again, and it hasn’t been even a year around since the last post, so it is positive, right? OK… maybe not THAT positive….


Where have I been, what have I done, what’s going on? Nothing much, really. Well, OK, maybe a lot more than I can imagine.

So I successfully moved out of the pit to my parent’s house in my hometown Vecumnieki, Latvia. Spent the summer there, since no one did mind and some extra pair of hands is always HANDY around the house. Summer was awesome – lots of events, and one of my best friends came back from Thailand for almost whole summer! That was already awesome, but then then even more and more awesome things followed! Met tons of awesome and crazy people, have helped out to some of my friends in the times of need for help. So feeling is just amazing.

I just decided that I will make this post a really short one since there are way too much positive things going on with me right now, so there is too much in my mind to put it all here in a form of text that would actually make sense in the end.


I have met some even more awesome people recently,more like one person. But it is already enough to make me feel more positive. 🙂

It is sometimes weird how some meetings are unexpected, or unknown, and then it just happens 🙂 Which is not bad at all. It makes me to remember that this world is not that bad, that there still is some hope left in it. And the weird thing is – we have met twice and have been talking for a bit more than two weeks, and it feels like we would know each other for years already, and with her near by, I don’t feel like pretending to be better than I am, I am just what I am and it feel so natural, like don’t have single thing to hide from her. I have always something to hide even from my two and only best friends, but in this case, I am just a bit shocked… positively of course. It is great how much is needed to make things brighter 🙂

Lately I have turned my life around from where I was half a year ago – this week I started to go to gym, starting with next Tuesday I will be back in volleyball with my good old team, I am living in the center of the city now, so things are going only up, which is really good thing. Like Bob Marley said in his song “don’t worry about a thing…”, and so I did. Like somehow I would now that after a terrible way down there will be an awesome way back up, and this time I will do everything I can just to not lose this way, because going up is always pleasant. It is also addictive and blinding – one moment, wrong step and you are rolling down the hill like a stone. .This time I need to keep it in mind that I must go higher and higher, so I would be able to see the way all the time. Lesson learned is a lesson earned, not going down anymore.


Another positive thing which just made “crap” even more “rainbows” today is – one, of those two, best friends of mine became a family guy early this morning. He now has a daughter to take care about. I will not tell the name (which is beautiful) of his daughter yet, since I am not 100% if that name is the official one (a name they thought of because he wanted to let me know and also hear what I think of it). Jacob (that is my friend), if you ever read this (because I don’t remember if you are following my blog)…. dude… I was already speechless on the phone this morning – there are no words to describe HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT YOU MAN! 🙂 For some reason it fears me and makes me feel weird that, lately, I feel happy about everyone I know who has became a dad recently. But that is what I feel. I wish all the best to you and your family, man, and I will always be there if I will be needed, man! 🙂

And this is great chance to say also apologize to you, man. I want to apologize about every time I turned into an asshole towards you, and also turned my back on you over passed two years, man… I feel like a real crap for that. I hope you will forgive me about that.


Anyway, this wraps up this post. As always – written straight forward, with no editing, because who needs it, right…? It is more fun to see what comes out after writing it this way 🙂


and, of course, a song in the end 🙂


Welcome to the new age….

Posted: April 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

Greetings to whoever is reading my blog!

It is really hard to believe that, actually, I haven’t done a single post for a little bit than a year! It is a shame, and not only because one of my readers told me, approximately one year ago, that my blog is quite OK to read, but also  because I promised myself to blog more often… I will go to “promises” and, perhaps, deep philosophy about it a little bit later in this post.

This time I will try a “sandwich post” 😀  You know – basic marketing stuff, like, first you say something positive, then you go to something a bit more negative, then you go back to more positive side, then you go to even more negative side and at the end you get to the super-duper positive things! 😉


A lot of things have happened to me during this year: getting back together with my girlfriend, moving in the apartment with her, met really great people, have reestablished some of the connections with old friends, classmates and people I know, got some great ideas for my very own business, all in all – life had its “ups” and “downs”.   While I still remember, I will start with one of the great business idea I had… It was just a simple, boring winter day, a day after my birthday if I remember correctly (so approximately January 6, 2013). Me and one of my foreigner friends, we were just fooling around on “skype” – exchanging links of the most annoying sites (9gag, redit, etc), when we realized it is enough to work ourselves to the bone (well, in his case not mine) for pennies and it is time to stand up and start doing something. Well, there is not a lot of standing up once you hit to developing an actual business plan for your great business idea – seriously, it is more about sitting at computer and writing, and, only from time to time, meeting some great people that have more experience in starting business than you do (if you are fresh in something like that) for a tutorial in free atmosphere and free talking about the business plan at just a pint of beer. The idea is nothing unusual or extraordinarily huge – just a restaurant or a proper diner. Since my friend Ro (Roman) has gained quite a lot of experience as a chef back there in his homeland (United Kingdom), and I really enjoy cooking too, we decided to hit that and to actually open a restaurant or a diner here in Riga (LATVIA!!!). So far we have written everything down in a form of a business plan on 11 sheets of paper already, and it is not even half-way done, there are still a lot more things to add. So the idea is already over the phase, so called, “under construction”. Most likely I will add more information on how it goes in few of my further posts, but only in few – otherwise it will just get boring and I will scare away those few readers I have here 😀   Anyways, that was one of the positive things.

A little bit negative things now… So the list is not as big as in “positive things” but there still are few things…

This will start with a really impressive cut of salary, which made me to go into some sort of financial crisis of my own this month. The funniest thing is – I recently paid back the money I borrowed from some sort of mini-credit company, so I was really happy I will be able to finally enjoy the life I had half a year ago with money always in my pocket. So I am looking for a new job, but just for a summer, because I already got a job for the “season of studies”, so I might be as well doing nothing and receiving money from government for a few months (during the summer), and living at my sweet hometown with my parents, and having tons of fun with the friends I haven’t seen for a long time now. We will have things to talk about, that’s for sure 😀 Now, we will continue the awesome turkey sandwich with more awesomeness – MORE positive thing than previous one. For me it is more positive, even though some people might find it not as positive as the idea of restaurant or diner… Last year, somewhere around middle of the April I got back together with my girlfriend, after talking out things that we did wrong etc (which took us a month while being apart) it all went really good. I moved in to her place, and at the beginning of this March we moved to another place which is in a bit more awesome district of Riga – closer to the nature (sea, river, trees, parks, FORESTS). So it was really great, that feeling of being in a more silent part of Riga is really amazing! So this is where this positive part stops…

Over the past three months I didn’t see or feel in what kind of monstrous, fat-ass moron and jerk I turned into, and the worst thing is, I was a real jerk towards a person which is, by now, as close to me as my family, and person that I really adore. There were lots of things going on my head, since I have to find a new job, find a way how to pay for the apartment without taking money from my savings and so on… but it’s not an excuse to what a piece of crap I have been towards her… I DO feel sorry, but it is already too late – about 8 hours ago she told me to move out at the beginning of the June, but I will not wait for so long if I am not welcome in her life anymore. The story is quite a long one but I will cut it somewhere here or after a paragraph or two (*sigh*)… what is the worst thing in losing someone close to you is – you never feel or see the moment when you turn into a completely different person while being distracted by small things that are fighting in your head – by things that actually shouldn’t bother you at all, that shouldn’t turn into min things to worry about… so for me there might be a tiny chance to “grab a duct-tape”, screwdriver, few screws, nails, hammer, some best quality materials and fix it at least until it all holds together for few more weeks. Just so I would have some more time to shake myself, pull all my crap together and “save the day”… but I doubt that I will have this chance… But my plan of moving to my parents for a summer still fits in this situation perfectly 🙂

In moment like this there are two ways to actually stay above the water – just by talking to your best friends or smoking a baggie of weed (both helped me a lot), bu this time I appreciated my friends more than ever and I am grateful I have made friends like the ones I have…   Screw the negative note, it is time for something positive! So basically, I have made contacts with a lot of people I know already from my childhood and from my first steps in school, as well as new contact with people from different countries (translator job in a State Police did it for me 😛 ), which I am really happy about, all these contacts are useful, especially the renewed ones with the long-known persons and others from my ridiculous past 🙂 Basically I found out I am almost out of my laptop’s battery, and, who would have been thinking of that, out of positive and negative things for today.

OH! Right… I wanted to go in a philosophy about the “promise”, but instead of deep philosophy I’ll do a really brief one 😉

Like I said at the beginning – I haven’t kept the promise I gave to myself about blogging, as well as any other even bigger promises I made to myself and my girlfriend… So basically, this time for 100% because of me, it all went down to the ground… “It is easy to promise what you think you can do, but you better prove you really CAN do what you promise and be a man!” – those are words from my father I got when I was only 13 years old. Those words were stuck in my head for 6 – 7 years as a minimum! Until a whole load of crap just got dumped all over my head and through the “sound isolation” of that crap I kind of couldn’t hear that sentence in my head. I got completely lost between small lies, being a jerk to everyone and other stupid things that were actually not letting that sentence free in my head. I felt like a complete rubbish, and I still do, but that is not going to change all that, is it? I can prove to those whose trust I lost only through the actions, the actions of real Ed, real me… That “real Ed” got lost somewhere and it took freaking 3 months to come back! What the hell!? I mean, how the hell I lost my focus on this sacred thing a man has , which is called “promise”? It’s really not easy to keep the given word and to actually do what you have promised. I am like an expert of screwing the up the promise lately, which makes my name soak or even sink in a shame. What kind of man I am if I can’t even keep the word that I gave?…

I’ll tell you what kind of man I am! I am Edwin! One of the kind that, after a gigantic fall into a puddle of shame and mud, gets up, wipes the dirt off puts a smile on his face and keeps on walking towards every challenge thrown by life with a middle finger raised high and even higher raised head, saying: “Screw you world! You haven’t seen yet what I am made of! I will clean my name from all the shame and mud that got on it!”. I know it sounds kind of heroic or something from the texts that knights would say. But that is who I am, I have always been a knight in my manners, attitude, in my actions as well. True saying it is “change yourself and the world will change for your good”, but in my case world already changed for bad. SO I got nothing to lose, once again – “all in” or nothing, except that this time I might not have the “strongest cards”, but may the wisdom be with me and me through this pile of rubbish I got myself into. All in all, there are also lot’s of positive things happening in this crazy life of working student.

Funny thing – person can live in its own “magical” world of lies and nonsense for quite some time until something goes terribly wrong and this person wakes up from that “magic of lies” and realizes that the people being the dearest to you and most important in your life actually sees through your tiniest lies. But once that happens it can be too late.

I will end this post with a quote of a wise imaginary man form a really popular movie… “A lesson learned is a lesson earned…”

Whoever reads this, well… If you feel like commenting, do it freely, I will not be afraid of comments like “ah, crap… you’re such an EMO”, because all these things I wrote in this post is really how I feel right now. Highlighted grammar mistakes, syntax, use of words and vocabulary, and other comments related to that are also more than welcome. You know, since all this was just written “on the go” without special thinking of it. Fell free to leave a cheering up message that I could use or a positive comment as well if you feel like it 😉

Cheers! 😀

Next post will probably in less than 48 hours since I have no idea what exactly I will do tomorrow.


And a song, of course, that might fit in just fine for this whole post 😀

Katram cilvēkam ir laiks un uzmanība, ko viņš velta visam tam ko viņš dara, ko domā, ko jūt, un citiem cilvēkiem, kas ir izpelnījušies lai viņiem tiktu atvēlēts šis laiks un uzmanība, un kas ir līdzās.

Esmu dzimis cīnītājs, kurš pārvarējs jebkādas grūtības, kas stāsies ceļā. Reti kad var pamanīt šīs grūtības nākam, bet pat tad, kad grūtības jau ir priekšā, es spēju saskatīt to, kas mani sagaida aiz šīm grūtībām, kad viņas tiek pārvarētas, vēl pirms esmu ticis tām pāri. Nav arī noslēpums, ka katrs cīnītājs pieļauj kļūdas – kuras sāpīgas, kuras ne tik sāpīgas, bet pieļauj. Mans cīnītāja tips ir tāds, kurš uzreiz pēc kļūdas veic zibenīgu situācijas analīzi, atrod kļūdu, un ceļās kājās, turpinot cīnīties un nepieļaujot šo kļūdu vēlreiz. Tas nav grūti pēc tam, kad ir saprasts, ka šī kļūda tā jau maksāja daudz, un, iespējams, varēja maksāt vēl vairāk. Manā skatījumā to sauc par dzīvi. Padodoties kādas problēmas priekšā cilvēka aizsargmūris tiek iedragāts, un var paiet vesela mūžība līdz šis mūris tiek restaurēts, un ļoti retos gadījumos cilvēks šo mūri nav spējīgs vairs atjaunot…

Te nu šis un tas, kas varētu diezgan tieši saistīties ar iepriekšējo ierakstu…

Pēc iepriekšējā ieraksta izlasīšanas nav daudz jādomā, lai izsecinātu, ka pirms Valentīndienas tika viss salaists tādā dēlī (vismaz tā likās otram cilvēkam), ka tikt no tādas situācijas ārā bija grūti…

Acīmredzot esmu smagi maldījies, domajot, ka nav tādu cilvēku ar kuriem nevarētu kopīgi risināt kopīgas problēmas, tai skaitā arī savstarpējās problēmas. Tāda tipa cilvēkam esmu spējīgs pateikt milzīgu paldies par iegūto pieredzi un mācību. Mācību saistība ar to, kādus cilvēkus nedrīkst laist sev tuvumā, bet, kurus nedrīkst turēt tuvāk kā “šāviena attālumā”.

Pirmo reizi mūžā man nācās piekāpties sīkas problēmas priekšā. Diemžēl neesmu spējīgs pie šādiem apstākļiem cīnīties. Ja cilvēks ietiepjas un nepanāk ne soli pretī tad gudrākajam šajā gadījumā ir jāatkāpjas, lai nečakarētu prātu sev un otram. Cilvēku nemode izdarīt aplamus secinājumus un pieņemt vel aplamākus lēmumus, nemaz nezinot – kas? kā? kapēc? noticis ir stipri neciešama.

Jau kaut kad iepriekšējā rakstā pieminētais komunikācijas “trūkums” ir kaut kas mākslīgs, gluži kā bailes no kaut kā. Tāpēc citreiz, kad liekas, ka ir kaut kāda komunikācija – patiesībā ir tikai kaut kāds mēģinājums komunicēt, runājot aplinkus par visu iespējamo. Tas ir izskaidrojams ar pamatīgu drosmes trūkumu, kura rezultātā cilvēks sevi ir spiests iedzīt sevis paša melu pasaulē, kurā realitāte pazūd sākot no 75% un uz augšu… Pēcāk, kad saviem meliem ir noticēts, cilvēks tos steidzas pastāstīt arī citiem, tādejādi, laikam, cerot uz kaut kāda veida atbalstu. Vai šādam cilvēkam pašam tas neliekas nedaudz nepieņemami un stulbi? Meliem ir īsas kājas!

Lai nu kā, esmu sapratis to, ka pārāk ilgi biju tērējis savu laiku un uzmanību uz cilvēku, kurš beigu beigās izrādijās savādāks nekā man sākotnēji šķita. Šis cilvēks nav un nebūs mana laika un uzmanības vērts. Vēl gan īsti nesaprotu vai nožēloju, ka ar šādu cilvēku mans ceļš vispār krustojās vai nē. Jo no vienas puses ir nožēla par lieki iztērēto laiku un uzmanību uz šo cilveku… no otras puses, pateicoties šim cilvēkam esmu guvis vērtīgu mācību un labi daudz pieredzes attiecībā uz cilvēkiem, jo nekad nebiju domājis, ka arī šāda tipa cilveki uz pasaules vispār eksistē.

Nemēģināšu visu aizmirst, jo tas nozīmēs vien to, ka visu laiku domāšu par šo cilveku, tieši tapēc vienkārši nedomāšu par viņu, un tādejādi ar laiku šis cilvēks no pazudīs arī no manas atmiņas, viss kas paliks būs kāda, varbūt pat, jauka atmiņa par kopā pavadītu laiku un viss. Zinu, ka pirms mēneša man šis cilvēks vel nozīmēja diezgan daudz, un bija diezgan dārgs, bet tagad šī cilvēka vertība manās acīs krītās ar katru dienu.

Esmu nolēmis šim cilvēkam pateikt, lai man liek svētu mieru, jo ar savu rīcību, manuprāt esmu darījis vairāk nekā zināmu to, ka nevelos ar viņu runāt, bet vienalga vēl saņemu zvanus. Es tiešām nesaprotu! Ja reiz ir pielikts punkts, tad ko vēl zvanīties un interesēties?! Jau uzreiz tiku teicis, ka draugi mēs nepaliksim! Kas vēl cilvēkam nav skaidrs!? Mana dzīve iet uz priekšu, neesmu no tiem, kas ilgi domā, bet gan ātri visu aptveru, aizmūrēju radušos caurumu mūrī un dodos tālāk pa savas dzīves taku. Dzīve ir kustība!

Melu teorija…

Ir tāds seriāls, tas gan! 😀

Nav noslēpums, ka cilvēku ikdiena iekļaujās arī kaut kāda veida meli – lielāki via ne tik lieli, tas vairs nav svarīgi, jo viņi IR. Cilvēki, mānoties via melojot, nemaz nepiedomā pie savas ķermeņa valodas, nedz arī pie balss intonācijas. Tās ir lietas, kuras cilvēku nodod vienā acu mirklī. Uzdodot vienkāršus kontroljautājumus ir jāpievērš uzmanība cilvēka ķermeņa valodai un balss intonācijai. Ja cilvēks kādu laiku ir jau pazīstams, tad ir vairāk jāvēro sejas vaibsti un jāklausās balsī. Balss tonis izmainās neticami! Sejas vaibsti gan ir jau iepriekš jāzin, un tad ir tikai jāvēro vai ir kādas izmaiņas tajos, kad tiek uzdots kontroljautājums. Nav nemaz tik sarežģīti! Vajag tikai kādas pāris nedēļas papētīt cilvēkus ar kuriem sanāk saskarties katru dienu vai katru otro dienu.


Labi, šis ieraksts tāds murgaināks laikam sanāca, nedaudz izplūdu tajā par ko runāju. Bet būtībā viss ko es vēlējos pateikt bija;

MAN VAIRS NESĀP! NAV SĀPĒJIS UN NESĀPĒS! Mūris, kas tika iedragāts, tika veiksmīgi atjaunots un vēl pāršūts ar biezu kārtu titāna! Likās, ka esmu neievainojams, bet cilvēkam izdevās tikt iekš šī mūra sienām un izbrucināt caurumu no iekšpuses. Bet tas jau laikam laiku pa laikam var gadīties ar katru. Lai vai kā, vājo punktu manā mūrī atrada un to brucināja. Tagad droši varu atzīt, ka esmu vēl neievainojamāks!

A lesson learned is a lesson earned! 😉

Nu ko, beigās laikam vajag dziesmiņu – kā parasti! 🙂

Ciao! 🙂


Forever alone day…

Posted: February 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

Sen neko šeit neesmu ķēpājies… *eghm!*

Nu tad tā.

Kārtējais gads ir aizvadīts, daudz kas noticis, daudz kas piedzīvots. Tā nu ir arī kārtejo reizi (jau nezinu kuro gadu pēc kārtas) sagadījies, ka tieši uz valentīndienu esmu atkal palicis viens pats. Ko, kas, kā un kapēc, man nav ne jausmas, jo pats vēl īsti neko nesaprotu.

Iekšā vēl sēž pavisam naiva cerība, ka visam aizsāktajam vēl sekos turpinājums. Pareizāk sakot, es to iekšēji zinu un jūtu. Pa pāris dienām esmu paspējis visu kārtīgi apdomāt un pārdomāt, un atskārtu, ka tagad es redzu iepriekšminēto turpinājumu vēl skaidrāk nekā iepriekš. Vēl aizvakar es pieļāvu domu, ka iespējams tā ir tikai sava veida ilūzija, dēļ bailēm, ka ir iespēja zaudēt sev tuvu cilveku, un reizē ar viņu arī daļu no sevis, līdz pārliecinājos par pretējo – tas viss ir iespējams, un mūžā neesmu bijis pārliecinātāks.

Bet tādos brīžos uz prātu nevar un nedrīkst paļauties, jo tādā momentā prātā ir pilnīgs haoss, un tas, ko saka prāts, nedrīkst tikt ņemts vēra, jo, apjukuma vadīts, prāts automātiski izdara savu situācijas analīzi un, izslēdzot jebkādus pozitīvās izvēles iespējas, liek cilvēkam izvēlēties kādu no negatīvajiem variantiem, jo tie savā ziņā bieži vien ir vieglāki un ātrāki, bet ne pareizi.

Ir vēl tāda lieta, ko mēs (cilvēki) saucam par “sirdi”. Kurā vietā cilvēkam tāda atrodās, un kā viņa izskatās, neviens īsti nemāk teikt, jo šis jēdziens no šāda leņķa nekādi nesasaucas ar anatomiju. Atšķirība no prāta, sirds vienmēr runā skaidru valodu, jo viņā tiek glabātas pozitīvās sajūtas un emocijas, līdz ar to viņā nav konfliktu, jo viņā negatīvās lietas netiek, tikai tik cik pienāk informācija no prāta, ka something ain’t right. Tas, starp citu, ir arī avots no kura mūsu prāts ņem pozitīvās sajūtas un emocijas, jo sirds ir kā glabātuve, kā seifs šim visam pozitīvajam – once it’s in there, it never gets out of there. Milzīga problēma ir prāta spēja – aizmirst par to, ka tur ir kaut kas, kas varētu palīdzēt kritiskā brīdī, kaut kas tāds, kas varētu palīdzēt nepazaudēt pamatu zem kājām, kaut kas tāds, kas dotu cerību, ticību, un spēku apkarot negatīvo, kas prātā nokļuvis un turpināt visu.

Vislielākā ķēpa tiešām sākas tad, ja paklausam tam, ko saka prāts tajā brīdī, kad tā vienkārši nav viņa darīšana. Tā nu sagadās, ka pēkšņi mums iekšā sāk skanēt tādas kā divas balsis (vismaz tā tas parasti tiek dēvēts), no kurām viena pieder prātam, otra – sirdij. Ja viņas runā reizē, tas tikai palielina haosu, jo cilvēks apjūk, un sasteidz lēmuma pieņemšanu. Tikai kādu brīdi pēc tam, kad lēmums jau pieņemts, cilvēks ir vairāk vai mazak ticis galā ar haosu. Te pēkšņi sirds pieliek savu pirkstu, jo līdz viņai ir nonākusi informācija, ka prātam vajag pievadīt pozitīvo informāciju par attiecīgo tēmu. Tas cilvēkam liek vainu iegrimt kārtējās pārdomās, vai arī nonākt pretrunās ar sevi, jo, no sirds nākošais, pozitīvais lādiņš nekad pie šāda varianta nesaskan ar pieņemto lēmumu, līdz ar ko sirds tiek noignorēta. Bet tomēr, pozitīvais lādiņš ir kaut nedaudz iedragājis lēmuma sienu, un tas sāk radīt morālas sāpes, kuras, no sirds nākošo pozitīvo informāciju, sajūtas un emocijas pārvērš negatīvā formā, kas liek sāpēm pastiprināties, līdz cilvēks sabrūk.

No malas var šķist, ka tās ir tikai tukšas pļāpas, bet katram to derētu atcerēties pirms tiek pieņemts kaut kāds lēmums, kurš ir saistībā ar sev ĻOTI svarīgu cilvēku. Lai arī tas viss ir vairakkārt izmēģināts un pārbaudīts, tomēr šis un tas laiku pa laikam piemirstās, un dēļ tā atkal tiek iebraukts auzās.

Jūtot, ka sāk zust kāds ļoti svarīgs cilvēks, esmu jau vairāk kā nedēļu iegrimis smagās un dziļās pārdomās. Bet neko nevaru padarīt – skatos uz to atkal un atkal ar kripatiņu optimisma un nenormāli milzīgu devu reālisma, un redzu to pašu turpinājumu, kuru redzēju jau no sākta gala – pozitīvu turpinājumu.

Tas ir tikai normāli ja attiecībās parādās pa kādam strīdam, domstarpībai vai nesaskaņai, jo nedzīvojam mēs pasaku zemē, kur viss ir perfekti un notiek pats no sevis. Pats no sevis viss notiek tikai pirmajos pāris mēnešos, jo cilvēki viens par otru vēl daudz ko nezin un viņi jūtas viens otram piemēroti. Tas ir tā saucamais “medusmēneša periods”, kurā viss ir perfekti, viss notiek pats no sevis, līdz brīdim, kad pienāk pirmais strīds, un cilvēki saprot, ka nu ir ziepes. Bet ar to IR jārēķinās! Attiecības, kurās viss ir perfekti bieži vien ir fiktīvas (neīstas, viltotas), kas nozīmē to, ka vai nu vienai vai otrai (vai arī abām) pusei ir kaut kas slēpjams, kaut kas tāds, kas var šīs attiecības izjaukt. Der atcerēties, ka viss nāk gaismā agrāk vai vēlāk. Cilvēks, lai arī cik ilgi slēpdams to, kas ir slēpjams, nogurst un kļūst neuzmanīgāks, mēģinot slēpt pēdas, tiek radītas aizdomas un ziņkāri otrā cilvekā, kas galu galā noved pie nepatīkamām beigām.

Cilvēkiem nekādā ziņa nedrīkst būt līdzīgi, viņiem ir jābūt pilnīgi atšķirīgiem kā interesēs tā arī uzskatos un dzīves filozofijā. Savādāk viņiem vienam par otru zudīs jebkāda veida interese (sāksim jau ar to vien, ka sievietes ar vīriešiem ir paši par sevi atšķirīgi). Loģiski, ka ir jābūt arī kam tādam par ko cilvēki interesējas arī kopīgi, tas ir vajadzīgs, lai būtu arī kaut kāda veida kopīgās aktivitātes un tamlīdzīgi. Bet te rodas jautājums: “Kā tad šādi cilvēki spēj sadzīvot, un kāda iespēja, ka viņiem nebūs strīdu?”. Elementāri, Watson! Sadzīvot cilveki ir spējīgi, pateicoties tam, ka viņi ir vispār iedomājušies kļūt viens otram tuvāki kā tikai vienkārši paziņas. Katras attiecības parasti sākas ar tā saucamo “klikšķi”, kurš vienmēr ir attiecību pašā sākumā, parasti pirmajā vai pirmajos divos mēnešos (citreiz var gadīties arī pāris nedēļu aizkave). Ja klikšķis ir, tad viss notiek, un cilvēkiem nekādas problēmas nesagādā problēmas tas, ka katram, paralēli kopejām interesēm, ir arī savas intereses. Tas viņiem liek vienam par otru kaut nedaudz domāt, uztraukties, rūpēties un interesēties, kā arī, vajadzības gadījumā, palīdzēt.

Domstarpības, strīdi, un viss pārējais, kas itkā liekas attiecībām nevēlams, ir nepieciešams, lai tās būtu veselīgas un īstas. Veselīgas tādā ziņā, ka, ejot šo attiecību ceļu roku rokā, pārim ir jāspēj, un ar laiku arī jāprot, atrisināt savas domstarpības sakarā ar jebkuru iespējamo jautājumu. To izdarot, ir aizvien vieglāk ar katru nākamo gadījumu, jo tādu ir ne mazums. Bet lai tas būtu iespējams, cilvēkiem ir jāatrod sevī visi iespējamie spēki, kas varētu būt nepieciešami šajā sakarā, un jāliek tos lietā. Pēc tam gan var sekot pāris dienu pagurums un klusums, jo tas prasa ne mazumu spēka un enerģijas. Pie katras vismazākās ķildas ir jāmēģina sakoncentrēties un atcerēties par tādu leitu kā piedošana, jo mēs visi tomēr esam un paliksim cilvēki. Loģiski, ir jāatcerās, ka attiecībās tāda lieta kā krāpšana un visi meli saistībā ar to nav piedodami, jo tas viss parāda klaju necieņu pret otru cilveku. Tāpēc, pirms šādi nogrēkoties, der uzdot sev jautājumu: “Kam tas ir vajadzīgs, un vai es vispār cienu pats/pati sevi, ja necienu citus?”. Bet tāda lieta kā emocionālais terorisms un tamlīdzīgi grēki IR piedodami, vajag tikai pavisam nedaudz par to apdomāties, padomāt par visu to kā no sava tā no otra cilveka skata punktiem. Pie strīdiem visbiežāk abas puses jūtās par kaut ko vainīgas. Tāpēc visu iepriekš minēto dara abas puses. Nē, nu protams, ka vieglāk jau ir iemest plinti krūmos, vienam otru pasūtīt pāris kvartālus talāk, pāris dienas pamērcēties savās asarās, ļaut apjukuma un haosa vadītajam prātam pieņemt lēmumu, ka tas ir “pareizi” un turpināt dzīvi vieniem pašiem – tā itkā nekas nebūtu bijis.Bet tas ir iespējams tikai tad, ja attiecības ir bijušas neilgas, un nav izveidojusies abpusējs pieradums vai pieķeršanās. Pretējā gadījumā sāp vel ilgi un dikti pēc tam.

Nu kaut kā tā man pa šīm dienām izdomājās. Pa pēdējām pāris dienām ir bijis tikai viens pozitīvs notikums – es atguvu sev ļoti tuvu draugu, kurš likās zudis. Patiesībā es vienkārši nepamanīju, ka viņš mēģina atrast veidu kā ar mani parunāt, jo bija iegrimis, tā teikt, “sūdos” līdz ausīm. Dēļ kā tad nu viņš arī bija sācis dīvaini uzvesties, un centās nostāties starp mani un manu otru pusīti, sāka runāt par mani lietas, kuras no patiesības bija tik tālu kā ar kājām no Rīgas līdz Pekinai. Tad nu es pāris dienas apdomājos, visiem pavestīju, ka šo cilvēku es no sava friendlist izsvītroju, bet patiesībā es saglabaju kārtējo naivo cerību, ka viss vērsīsies par labu, un ka viņš sāks ar mani runāt. Tā nu gāja mēnesis pēc mēneša, un mēs tikai atsvešinājāmies, jo ne viens no mums neizrādija iniciatīvu, un mēs klusējām kā tādi āži. Tā nu sanāca, ka šā gada 12. februārī, viņš bija pirmais, kurš mani ieraudzīja no rīta virtuvē, kur es sēdēju uz galda un dzēru kārtējo tēju pēc kārtējās negulētās nakts un mēģināju visiem spēkiem sakopot visus nepieciešamos spēkus un domas. Man pat viņam nebija jāstāsta par notikušo, kad no viņa sekoja jautājums: “šodien ir ieplānots kaut ko darīt?”, pēc tam, kad biju pateicis, ka nav nekā darāma, viņš mani savāca sev līdzi uz darbu. Visu dienu mēs klausījāmies mūziku, taisījām telpas kaut kādai mistiskai un ļoti mazai studentu korporācijai, runajām, un man bija arī pietiekoši brīvo brīžu, kuros sakoncentrēties, sakopot visas domas, emocijas un informāciju par pilnīgi visu, kas ir noticis. Atkal jau sanāca izplūst sīkumos…! Okay! Tālāk scenārijs jau zināms, mēs atradām abpusējās piedošanas ceļu, un nu viņš atkal ir manu draugu sarakstā. Lai arī viņš bija radījis manī arī negatīvas emocijas vairāk kā saprašanas, man izdevās sevī izaudzēt šo noglabāto cerību un likt viņu lietā.

Tik vien kā pāris vārdu apmaiņa var paveikt fenomenālas lietas, bet arī tikai tik ilgi kamēr šie vārdi nav dusmu vadīti.

Lai arī viens svarīgs cilvēks ir atgūts, cits, vēl svarīgāks cilvēks zūd. Kamēr es mēģināju atgūt savu labāko draugu, es nepamanīju, ka mana otra pusīte lēnām gaist… sajust sajutu, bet padevos apjukumam…. un tad, kad vēlējos atvainoties un izrunāties, lai varam turpināt mūsu attiecības bez liekiem pārpratumiem (kuri sekoja tajā pašā dienā), izrādijās, ka esmu kārtējo reizi izvēlejies nepareizo laiku un vietu. Iepriekš es nevarēju saņemties to izdarīt, jo kaut kas man lika nobīties katru reizi, kad mēģināju to visu izrunāt, un katra šī reize man lika izspļaut kaut kādus kretīniskus komentārus par lietām un notikumiem, kuri bijau jau veci kā pati pasaule, kā rezultātā radās sajūta, ka viss brūk un jūk. Bet beigu beigās izrādijās, ka es viens nebiju vainīgs. Es vairākas reizes, katru mēnesi uzdevu šim cilvēkam jautājumu: “vai ir kas tāds, par ko vēlies parunāt?”. Bet katru reizi atbilde bija “nope”. Tajā pašā laikā pats biju cāļa dvēsele, un nevarēju uzsākt sarunu, kas visticamāk izlīdzinātu visas neskaidrības, kuras bija radušās laika gaitā kā vienam tā otram.



Es nevēlos viņu zaudēt… Viss ko es vēlos ir – vēlviena iespēja, lai visu vērstu par labu… Neprasu, lai kaut ko mēģinātu aizmirst vai kā. Tam visam ir iespējams turpinājums, es tam ticu!


Tad nu tā, lūk! Lai nerakstītu visādus EMO tekstus twitterī, nācās rakstīt savas sajūtas un domas šeit – savā, tā saucamajā, e-dienasgrāmatā 😀

Labāk es tagad nejūtos, bet vismaz laba nodarbe 🙂




Nobeigumā dziesma, kura man liek domāt katru reizi kā viņa sāk skanēt 🙂





Posted: April 3, 2011 in Uncategorized

Lūk arī jau aprīlis ir ieradies, līdzi nesot “visu muļķu dienu” un superīgus, saulainus, siltus laikapstākļus! 🙂 Nu ok, FAIL, bija arī apmakušās un pretīgas dienas jau pašā aprīļa sākumā 😀 bet tas tā… 😀

Pārsteidzoši, bet, neraugoties ne uz ko, garastāvoklis man ar katru dienu paliek aizvien labaks un labāks 🙂 Laikam jau veljoprojām esmu palicis kaut kur Polijā, Poroņinā 😀 Cilvēki, kurus tur satiku un iepazinu, ekskursijas, un pats pasakums kopumā bija vienkārši neaizmirstams 🙂 Un vislabākais ir tas, ka jau jūlijā es tur atgriezīšos vel uz 9 dienām, kas mani vienkārši nenormāli priecē 🙂 No visiem ceļojumiem, kuri man bijuši, šis bija the best! 🙂 Gandrīz katrs moments (ko biju skaidrā) ir iepsiedies atmiņā, un vienkārši nav izdzēšams 🙂

During the trip, pabiju arī baisajā un drūmaja vietā, ko sauc par Auschwitz…. vieta, kurā, personīgi es, varētu pabūt maksimums 2 reizes, jo viss tur redzētais un dzirdētais kopuma ir nenormāli smags… bet nu, tā ir viena no vietām, kas vienkārši bija jāredz savam acīm! 🙂 jaunie draugi, kurus es ieguvu šī tripa laikā ir vienkārši superīgi cilvēki! 🙂 Man jau bija nojauta, ka tas bija viens no labakajiem 10 sekunžu lēmumiem, ko jebkad esmu pieņēmis, bet nenojautu, ka šis lēmums būs TIK labs, jeb, vislabakais!!! 🙂 Nezinu vai vēl gadīsies iespēja kāpt kalnos, lai tikai ieraudzītu pasakainu ieleju ar ezeru 1.6Km augstumā un klausīties skaļu mūziku (bez kuras es nepametu mūsu kalnu māju, jo man visu laiku bija līdzi mans “boombox”) 🙂

Šobrīd esmu vienkārši pārlādēts ar tik daudzām pozitīvām emocijām, ka pat nevaru īsti apkopot domas, lai kaut ko uzrakstītu 😀  laikam jāatstāj kaut kas rītdienai (kas laikam drīzāk nozīmē “aizparītdienai”) 😀 Eddo to Huston – I’m off! 😀 😀 😀